Skewed News

More dangerous than Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner, but less sexy, Somali pirates are the latest trend too hit poverty-drought-famine-AIDS-genocide stricken Africa. Somali pirates earn far less than a Hollywood blockbuster in ransom money, but have wreaked more havoc than the Hulk. Capturing over 180 ships last year. Holding crew and contents for ransom.

With fishing livestock extinct, Somali men had no choice in taking to the waterways armed with rudimentary weaponry. “We have no life here. There’s no economy. We have to do anything to survive,” a Somali pirate spokesperson informed BBC.

Income from ransom is the only fuel for their nonexistent economy.

Any ransom money paid by governments’ or shipping companies’ is immediately pumped into Somalia’s local economy via purchases of food items, clothing, and interestingly better weaponry. Somali pirates have continuously upgraded their equipment demonstrating smarts when it comes to hijacking passing freighters or passengers cruise ships.

Equipment upgrades have allowed Somali pirates to hit more profitable targets.

Somali pirates sprang on a French yacht back in 2007 hauling away a pretty penny in ransom money. The acquisition of a tugboat proved formidable. Somali pirates tow ships captured in international waters to Somali waters. A failed government ensures their safety in their own waters, but international convoys have begun patrolling areas outside Somali territory.

Cruise ship lines have responded by avoiding the area, but freighters would require a two-week additional journey around the Horn of Africa to deliver their cargo. An unreasonable shipping delay, considering the firepower at corporations’ disposal, which had them call in the EU.

India in their zeal mistakenly sunk a Thai fishing vessel. Originally reported to be Somali pirates HQ. But later turned out on the back pages of the press to be a fishing vessel that had nothing to do with Somali pirates.

Hehehe Oops.

This weekend Somali pirates’ most brazen assault came to end when the fishing vessel containing $4.2 million USD in ransom capsized. They went down due to the weight of the money. They’d been holding a Saudi super tanker, Sirius Star, the biggest oil tanker cruising the seas, ransom since November 15.

People who watch piracy gasped at the boldness to strike a super tanker. Some in awe, others trembled in fear. ‘They’re fucked now. Saudi Arabia doesn’t have a Navy.’ Every pirate watcher uttered. Sure enough a Somali warlord mullah backed by Saudi money laid down some serious threats.

The pirates refused to back down. Two months later, a fridge full of money parachuted down onto Sirius Star. Reported to be worth 4.2 million USD. With corporate controlled warships nearby Somali pirates hurriedly departed with their bounty. In their zeal they tragically sunk their cash laden fishing vessel. Several survivors with pockets stuffed with soggy bills swam to shore hours later.

Several Somali pirates died.

“The lack of peace here has driven us to piracy.” – Somali pirate spokesperson.